Guy Wheatley
The Texarkana Gazette
My wife told me that she met someone I had worked with. I could tell
from the twinkle in her eyes that there was more to the story. This lady
was working temporarily in my wife's department, filling in for vacationers.
She had been there several days when she made the connection between my
wife and me.
The lady seemed surprised to meet my wife. She then shared some observations
about me. Her comments, at least the ones my wife repeated to me, were
not negative. They were even slightly flattering. It was just strange to
try and picture the person she was talking about. I remember some of the
events she mentions. But her description of my impact in these situations
seems very different from what I remember.
The feeling is similar to the first time I saw myself on videotape.
Prior to that time I had only seen myself front-on in mirrors. I remember
the surprise when I first saw my self from a different angle. It was also
disconcerting to realize that other people saw me this way all the time.
It was not so much that what I saw was bad, it was just somehow different
from what I expected.
We build up these mental pictures of ourselves, and these perceptions
are different from pictures others have of us. Our words and intentions
are always so clear on our side of the transaction. We always know exactly
where we are coming from and what our motives are. Others receive their
impression of us through the distortions of language and their own preconceptions.
The result can be very different from what we expect.
In a very important way, the view other people's have of us is more
real than our own. The world doesn't react to what we think we are. It
reacts to the perception we give others. We get promotions and dates or
into fights because of the way other people see us, not because of the
way we see ourselves.
People have occasionally compared me to a man my wife and I both know.
I fail to see any possible similarities. This guy is loud mouthed and opinionated.
He frequently tries to intimidate people into adopting his view of things.
He is also a classic "kill the messenger," type of guy. Anyone telling
him something he doesn't want to hear is either ignorant, or lazy.
Like all humans, the guy does have some redeeming qualities. Unfortunately,
he focuses on them to the exclusion of his faults. Listening to him, I
begin to get a vague glimpse of the image he has of himself. It is an image
vastly different from that held by all of the people I know, who also know
him. It occurs to me that he would be heartbroken to see himself as we
see him.
I get a phone call one night from work. There is a problem with a piece
of equipment and one of my employees is calling me to get help.
My answering machine picks up after the fourth ring. It continues to
record even if we subsequently answer the phone, and that is what happened
this night. The machine will continue to record the conversation until
it fills up. I will have to play the message and delete it before I can
get any more messages.
I listen to my worker describe the problem, ask a few pertinent questions,
then tell her what she needs to do. When she hangs up, I hit the play button
on the answering machine. I again hear her telling me about the trouble.
Then, just as I should hear a friendly, fatherly voice, I hear some gruff
individual, obviously irritated at being bothered, come on the machine.
This guy rudely interrupts the young lady as she tries to fill him in.
He then barks instructions at her in a tone that makes it clear he doesn't
want to hear about any more problems.
It's hard listen to that recording a second time. It's heartbreaking,
but I have to. I can't believe that the opinionated, loud mouth I hear
intimidate a messenger with bad news is me. I wait a few minutes, then
call back trying very hard to sound friendly and warm. I tell them I'm
checking to see if the problem has been fixed and encouraged them to call
me if there is any more trouble. It's a first step in what I hope is the
right direction. It won't be the last.
It is a strange mirror in which I see my reflection through the eyes
of others. I ask myself, "is the reflection more real than me?"
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